'She's become like a third parent to the kids': Douchey Dad Hires Nanny, Gets Annoyed When She Does Her Job

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
May 10, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

The only thing harder than being a parent is having to parent somebody else's kids. We can assume that most people who become nannies do so because they're genuinely good with children, but they often have to be just as savvy with their actual employers as well. Those who earn enough money to get hired help can be pretty insecure and difficult to deal with, who knew?

It's not an easy thing to balance, especially when your entire job is about building relationships. Someone who has found herself stuck in the middle of this dilemma is u/ZealousidealWait2698, who had her nanny confide in her that the way her husband disrupted the bedtime routine of her kids was making things difficult. However, when she relayed this to her husband, he complained that she was trying to replace him while we was away working. Redditors were not impressed with the approach of the hands off dad, to say the least. Parenting isn't all about playtime.

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  • 01
    Rectangle - 02 r/AmltheAsshole u/ZealousidealWait2698 17h 1 54 1 1 AITA for telling my husband the nanny is in charge? 1
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 02
    Art - I want to preface this by saying that I am aware this is a very privileged issue but I'm trying to get some perspective on my opinion.
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 03
    Font - My husband and I have 3 kids that are 10 months, 3 years and 6 years old. My husband has a high profile job and it means he's gone often. I work a regular 9-5. We originally used daycare for our oldest but my middle was born right when the pandemic began, so we hired a nanny. She originally worked when I did. But by the time baby came around, I was very overwhelmed doing bath and bedtime on my own, on top of developing postpartum depression. After a breakdown, we spoke with the nanny and
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 04
    Font - We've gotten close over the past 6 months doing this. In many ways, she's become like a third parent to the kids. She's so good with them. We've created a routine that works well. I tend to the baby during bath and bed, she handles the older 2. It's a nice rhythm and my mental health has gotten so much better.
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 05
    Font - My husband isn't traveling all the time but most nights, he isn't even home for dinner and bed. He will help me weekends he's home. But because he's gone so often, he's reluctant to be firm with the kids. There are times he's come home when our nanny is there. He tries to help her with bath and bed, but allows the boys to rough house, lets them break the routine and it seriously throws them off and delays bedtime.
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 06
    Font - My nanny shared with me she feels awkward. Obviously she doesn't want to undermine her employer but it just makes her job harder. But my husband also doesn't want her to go home when he arrives as he says he can't handle it alone. I told him if that's the case, then he needs to defer to the nanny and follow her lead. She knows our boys best and she has to deal with the aftermath when they don't listen and give her a hard time.
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 07
    Font - My husband feels that she's just an employee and he's the dad. His salary does pay for her. However, I don't feel this is fair to her. I told him he either follows her lead for bed and bath or he doesn't help at all. He told me I'm allowing the nanny to take over and replace him. AITA?
    via ZealousidealWait2698
  • 08
    Font - florida-raisin-bran 17h Partassipant [2] NAH, I see both sides. If you guys aren't able to communicate effectively to focus on the needs of the children, instead of being hurt over each other's perfectly valid feelings, then you need a marriage counsellor to help you do that.
    via florida-raisin-bran
  • 09
    Rectangle - AshesB77 13h Colo-rectal Surgeon [371 3 Awards On the nights your hubby is home trade off with the nanny and you help him with the 2 older kids. You can correct him in a way the nanny isn't comfortable doing. : Reply 4 693 ↓
    via Ashes877
  • 10
    Font - snowdude11 15h Partassipant [3] My husband feels that she's just an employee and he's the dad In reality the role is reversed. nanny is the dad and husband is just the employee (read: ATM). Husband is gone so much that he isn't much of a parental role. He simply doesn't know how to take care of his own children. Your nanny is more of a parent than their own father, so he should learn to take a back seat and let the professional do her job. ΝΤΑ
    via snowdude11
  • 11
    Font - shanadoo123 ● 9h I'm actually sick of seeing example after example of dad being shitty or dads doing bare minimum or dads and mums being held at completely different standards because of sexism. How you can have a whole fully formed adult brain and not understand why the mum is NOT the AH and in fact the dad is bordering AH/bordering bad dad is wild. But I guess that's sexist men for you, constantly doing up mental gymnastics to try bang out their act of misogyny for the day!! Ignore thos
    via shanadoo123
  • 12
    Font - zombiedinocorn 12h My husband feels that she's just an employee and he's the dad. Husband needs to start acting like a father then, not disrupting their routine and undermining the adults that actually know what they're doing. Allowing the kids to do whatever is going to give them behavioral issues and negatively impact them in the long run. OP, does your husband want to be more involved? Has he considered finding a job that doesn't involve so much travel? It sounds like he might be so ti
    via zombiedinocorn
  • 13
    Font - NTA. naisfurious 17h Asshole Enthusiast [6] But my husband also doesn't want her to go home when he arrives as he says he can't handle it alone. This is the crux of your situation. Horseplay and roughhousing are very important for your children's development. If Dad wants to take over and play hee-haw he can very well do that - that's great! But, what he can't do is take over, create a mess and then have the nanny come put out the fire. If the nanny is going to be taking care of business
    via naisfurious
  • 14
    Font - o Ok Tart_3185 14h I had a firm rule during the bedtime years that if you riled them up, you were completely in charge of the rest of bedtime and I would walk away. But I was the other parent, not an employee, the poor nanny cannot say that to the husband the same way the wife could.
    via Ok_Tart_3185
  • 15
    Font - tritoeat 17h Commander in Cheeks [231] NTA. As their dad, it is his job to make sure they are healthy and happy, and sticking to their routine is the best way of doing that. (Aside from special occasions, of course.) Either he needs the nanny there or he doesn't, but he can't insist she stay and then make her job worse. I'm sure at his high profile job he would immediately sack someone who interfered with his ability to competently perform his duties. If he wants to goof off with the kids
    via tritoeat
  • 16
    Font - busyshrew 16h Partassipant [2] How willing is your husband to lose the nanny? Because that's the real problem. ...My husband feels that she's just an employee and he's the dad. - WOW. Just WOW. Nannies are employees yes, but they straddle a very unique line because a good nanny IS part of the children's family. If your husband consistently disrespects that, you will probably lose yours. So NTA if you stick up for her.
    via busyshrew
  • 17
    Font - 17h Basic-Regret-6263 Asshole Aficionado [16] NTA. He's trying to Disney Dad his way out of his guilt over being a Mainly-Absent parent. He needs to actually take responsibility for putting the kids to bed if he wants to disrupt the schedule. He's being very disingenuous by whining about being "replaced" by the nanny, but also refusing to let her go home because he doesn't want to handle his own children alone.
    via Basic-Regret-6263
  • 18
    Font - thoughts_are_hard 15h NTA. Former nanny here. I loved the family, I still do, and I think they're good parents. My only issues with working for them is that they didn't always respect my time (they'd pay me extra when they were late but wouldn't give me a heads up and I was a college student and was drowning in homework and a second job after watching their kids for 30-40 hours per week) and the dad would come home and want to be the fun parent and ruin the routines. And then the next day
    via thoughts_are_hard

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Babies aita kids Awkward nanny parenting employer dad family Reddit mom
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